Death: Preparing Children for the Death of a Loved One

McKesson Clinical Reference Systems: Pediatric Advisor 2002.1

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The chance of losing someone important during childhood is high. As many as 1 in 20 children lose a parent before 20 years of age. This statistic does not even mention the very common experience of losing other loved ones such as grandparents, aunts, uncles, or close friends. Chances are that your child will lose someone important to them before adulthood.

With that in mind, how can we prepare our children for the likelihood of an important loss in childhood? First, we can do all we can to give our children a sense of security. Children who have consistent loving care, support, and opportunities for success, are better able to remain happy, secure and optimistic about the future, even after they lose a loved one.

Young Children

You should talk to your children about death and what it means in a way they can understand. Introducing the idea of death in the preschool years is important, particularly if it is likely that a loved one will die soon. Children, between ages 2 to 7, react to people not being with them. Preschool children do not understand that dead people are gone forever. Explain your spiritual beliefs about the cycle of life and death, in simple words. It will be difficult for a very young child to understand the ideas, but giving them words to use in talking about death is a first step to helping them understand. Use opportunities presented in stories, children's movies, and animal death to talk about the topic.

The most important thing for a young child to know is that someone will always be there to take care of them. Very young children have little concept of time and the future. If your young child asks you if you will die, the real question she may be asking is "Will you be here to take care of me?" Find a way to assure your child that you or someone else who loves her will be always be there.

School-age Children

School-age children are beginning to understand that death is final. They are less likely, than a preschool child, to expect the dead person to return. Some older school-age children (ages 9 or 10) will begin to understand the difference between body and spirit and spiritual explanations begin to have some meaning. School-age children can think about the future more clearly and can anticipate what it would be like to lose someone important. You can help your child understand what will happen in his life if someone dies. You should also explain the ways that your family or community grieves. Is there a funeral, a wake, a celebration of life? What happens at these events. What do people do after the funeral? Do they share food, take time with nature, etc.? Children are comforted in knowing how they fit in to the routines and customs.

Your child may avoid upsetting topics and ideas. Your child may change the subject or ignore you when you try to talk to them about death. Look for other opportunities or wait for them to bring up the topic again.

Preteens and Teenagers

Children in the preteen years (ages 9-12) are now much more clear that death is the end, that dead people do not return and that death is mystery, even to adults. As your child becomes a teenager, do not be surprised if he begins questioning your family's faith and other strongly held beliefs. Now your child may be more interested in talking about death and other abstract topics. Although teenagers know that everyone will die, they often do not act as if that means them. Careless with their own health and well-being, many teenagers still believe deep down, that the rules of death do not apply to them.